A hand guide for the ‘reely’ dumb villain

Hello my dear evil-grinning, filthy-looking, muscle-packed villain, before you point out that gun at me, I would like to say a few things to you. First of all, let me make a statement that has been ‘reely’ proved by people of all walks- you are such a really stupid person.

Hei, hei…don't shoot… allow me to make a few more dialogues…

Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood, Mollywood- in whateverwood, you are the same. You know, you always get busted at the end, and ingloriously kick the bucket while the hero is having the last laugh with his girl.

Don’t you want to make a full stop to these run-of-the-mill failures?

So, before you shoot me down (that probably you wont able to do if you go on with the same habits), let me give you a few valuable advices.

The first rule is – If you want to shoot down the hero, never pause to deliver power-packed dialogues to educate him about your evil plans, your method of action, and what you are going to do in the future. Believe me buddy, if you are going to do that, you are digging your own grave!

Okey, you don’t want to pay heed to my first advice and you want to make a few dialogues? Hmm, very villainous of you! Anyway, as a villain-loving hero dedicated to educate all onscreen villains, I am here again with my second tip. When you make the dialogue delivery, have an eye on the cameraman! You know, cameraman, like all the crew members, wants you to fail miserably. Be careful for the subtle camera movements! If the camera strays to any object near the hero for more than 5 seconds, take it as a cue. The hero may take the object and defeat you!

Watch your back, man! The dumb girlfriend of the hero may score an unexpected goal by one blow at the end. There are several incidents where your kind of men is defeated by good-looking, feeble-minded, dumb girls.

Beware of the hero’s sidekicks too. These one-way-thinking guys are ready to sacrifice their lives to protect the hero. Close this loophole by finishing him off first.

A villain should be like a skillful proofreader. Check and recheck! Let not your senses deceive you! Even if you believe that the hero is dead, verify it! Make sure that he is ‘reely really’ dead. As I have already said, the director is keen to save the hero. So, he may do things which defy the principles of modern medical science to save the hero.

And, get a shave man! You need a bath! And you need not be such a mean-looking fellow. Put a synthetic smile on your face. It will make such a big difference. Even when you are doing evil things, be soft-spoken, smiling and wise-cracking. Add a whiff of sentiments to it. You can take a photograph of an Angelina Jolie-like woman and a kid with running nose, and say occasionally- they are my jewels!

Well, let me sum up my advices. I hope that you will seriously consider these tips and make the necessary changes. Now, you can shoot me dow….

Oh, watch your back man!!!

Here comes my sidekick behind you.( Arnold Schwarzenegger who did some cameo roles in a few not-so-known films like ‘Terminator’)

Oh, that was not my fault man. Buddy, you really had it coming!

At this sad moment, while I stand beside your bloodied body, I can only pray for the dawn of a new genre where the villains never fail.

The significance of Santosh Pandit: a systematic analysis of stupidly

Hello filmmakers, are you just leaning back on your cozy cushion, Watching Santosh Pandit, and commenting- what stupidity is this? Well, behold, he is a satiric mirror held against your own bad films and the hapless people who were trapped in the theatre. It is not Santosh Pandit, but you- you need a cosmetic surgery. Malayalam cinema badly needs a cosmetic surgery.

Well, Santosh Pandit’s film is an accidental mockery of the Malayalam film. Many of the films are made out of a formulaic recipe, and they make the aesthetic belly of the moviegoers sick. Sometimes, a few good efforts like Traffic or Salt N’ Pepper happen. But…

Now the history of Malayalam Cinema can be divided into two periods. BS (Before Santosh Pandit) and AS (After Santosh Pandit). This satiric celebration of stupidity perhaps comes from a collective sense of frustration of the movie goers. We have seen many ‘mainstream movies’ that were atrociously stupid, and we have often sat helplessly in theatre thinking about our loss-Time, money, popcorns and pepsi…all went down the drain. This bizarre phenomenon is a warning for those film makers who are churning out stupidity clad in sizzling shots.

As our hero says, ‘’Nee valiyavanayirikkam, pakshe athinartham njan cheriyavananu ennalla. ‘’

The Monochrome Madonna: a monotonous disappointment

India is not a fertile soil for detectives like Sherlock Homes or Miss Marple. Pot-bellied cops with harsh moustache often investigate cases here, and might does more good than observation in proving them. So, it is a bit hard to imagine an Indian version of Mr. Sherlock Homes or Miss Marple usually. But, for fictional purpose and for the sake of aesthetic enjoyment, let us accept Lalli, the Indian copy of Agatha Christie’s Miss Marple. She is ‘brilliant, sharp-witted, and her skills often helps Mumbai Police to solve murder mysteries. This ex-cop often appears in Kalpana Swaminathan’s novels. I stumbled upon the latest in the Lalli series- The Monochrome Madonna, and it turned out to be desperation.

The story in a few sentences- Sita, the narrator, one day receives a call form her friend Sitara with a panic-stricken voice. When sita arrives at her flat, she literally stumbles upon a corpse of a murdered man there. There is an altered Monochrome Madonna painting in the house. After some time amid the monotonous story, Lalli appears and proves the case, leaving the readers wondering where in the world this kind of story take place.

This is strange to Mumbai. The narrative often defies basic logic behind human affairs and behavior. Besides, in an attempt to make a noble connection with a classic art seems forced in a way that it might make Dan Brown frown.

No doubt, Kalpana Swaminathan is prolific in her writing and she often coins astonishingly impressive phrases. But, the story and the incidents in Monochrome Madonna is, well, monotonously bleak.