Hello my dear evil-grinning, filthy-looking, muscle-packed villain, before you point out that gun at me, I would like to say a few things to you. First of all, let me make a statement that has been ‘reely’ proved by people of all walks- you are such a really stupid person.
Hei, hei…don't shoot… allow me to make a few more dialogues…
Hollywood, Bollywood, Kollywood, Mollywood- in whateverwood, you are the same. You know, you always get busted at the end, and ingloriously kick the bucket while the hero is having the last laugh with his girl.
Don’t you want to make a full stop to these run-of-the-mill failures?
So, before you shoot me down (that probably you wont able to do if you go on with the same habits), let me give you a few valuable advices.
The first rule is – If you want to shoot down the hero, never pause to deliver power-packed dialogues to educate him about your evil plans, your method of action, and what you are going to do in the future. Believe me buddy, if you are going to do that, you are digging your own grave!
Okey, you don’t want to pay heed to my first advice and you want to make a few dialogues? Hmm, very villainous of you! Anyway, as a villain-loving hero dedicated to educate all onscreen villains, I am here again with my second tip. When you make the dialogue delivery, have an eye on the cameraman! You know, cameraman, like all the crew members, wants you to fail miserably. Be careful for the subtle camera movements! If the camera strays to any object near the hero for more than 5 seconds, take it as a cue. The hero may take the object and defeat you!
Watch your back, man! The dumb girlfriend of the hero may score an unexpected goal by one blow at the end. There are several incidents where your kind of men is defeated by good-looking, feeble-minded, dumb girls.
Beware of the hero’s sidekicks too. These one-way-thinking guys are ready to sacrifice their lives to protect the hero. Close this loophole by finishing him off first.
A villain should be like a skillful proofreader. Check and recheck! Let not your senses deceive you! Even if you believe that the hero is dead, verify it! Make sure that he is ‘reely really’ dead. As I have already said, the director is keen to save the hero. So, he may do things which defy the principles of modern medical science to save the hero.
And, get a shave man! You need a bath! And you need not be such a mean-looking fellow. Put a synthetic smile on your face. It will make such a big difference. Even when you are doing evil things, be soft-spoken, smiling and wise-cracking. Add a whiff of sentiments to it. You can take a photograph of an Angelina Jolie-like woman and a kid with running nose, and say occasionally- they are my jewels!
Well, let me sum up my advices. I hope that you will seriously consider these tips and make the necessary changes. Now, you can shoot me dow….
Oh, watch your back man!!!
Here comes my sidekick behind you.( Arnold Schwarzenegger who did some cameo roles in a few not-so-known films like ‘Terminator’)
Oh, that was not my fault man. Buddy, you really had it coming!
At this sad moment, while I stand beside your bloodied body, I can only pray for the dawn of a new genre where the villains never fail.
1 comment:
Things are changing man, at least in Malayalam
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